Grave Alchemy Read online

  “I guess there’s no point in trying to help some people. It’s no skin off my nose if you don’t care what you look like,” Natasha sneered while tucking a few stray hairs behind her ear. “You could take a shower now and then though.”

  Natasha would have been beautiful if not for the constant scowl she wore. She was tall and lean, with emerald eyes and gleaming black hair. I did my best to avoid her, but I couldn’t help overhearing the rumors circulating around her. Apparently, Natasha would disappear for days at a time, ignore direct orders and had a tendency to suck first, ask questions later. She even flouted the rules regarding the collection of souls. Last year, a group of souls staged a protest; rumor had it that more than a few of them had been sent on by Natasha. They argued that forceful removals were an infringement of their fundamental rights. The choice to stay or go should be theirs to make, not the council’s. The official belief was that when souls stayed too long, their sanity degraded and they eventually became poltergeists or wraiths. Apparently, the powers that be couldn’t prove it, so the protesters won. Now we have to ask before reaping the heaven bound souls. The souls heading the other way don’t have a choice—they can run, but they can’t hide.

  “I had to cover for you—at a fish plant. So it’s your fault I reek of fish.”

  “The least you could have done was cleaned up before coming here. It’s not my fault that rotten gargoyle wasted my time.”

  A disembodied voice yelled from behind Natasha. “Wasted your time! You stole my friend and attacked me; you’re a nasty piece of work. Ha! Nasty West. Suits you better than Natasha.”

  The gargoyle that confronted Natasha was the color of concrete, but with an iridescent blue tinge that rippled over his short muscular body. It reminded me of motor oil on a puddle of water. He looked a little worse for wear. Clutched in his hand was a large piece of horn, which looked like it had been recently broken. His rounded nose was scratched and one ear drooped. But even with all the damage, he looked kind of cute. He was about 4 feet tall, with bat-like wings and a long tail.

  Natasha rounded on the gargoyle, shaking her fist at him. “You got in the way of my charge and tried to steal my scepter. You’re evil! I was just defending myself.”

  “Defend this,” the gargoyle threatened as he whipped his tail into Natasha’s legs. “I could easily take you out, but I’m not the evil one. You are.”

  “Owww. You hit me. My leg is bleeding,” Natasha wailed as she reached for her ankle.

  “Serves you right! I’ve filed a complaint. I’ll sue the pants off you.”

  Natasha raised her scepter and snarled at him. “Do what you like, I don’t care. Now get out of my way or I’ll break the other horn.”

  The office door boomed open again as Walter flung it open and marched over to the combatants. “Enough. Stop it, both of you,” he demanded, separating them. “You’re not helping your case by threatening him. We already went over this, so there’s no need to repeat it in public…”

  “No need?” the gargoyle interrupted, shaking his broken horn at Natasha. “I’m the injured one! This witch came crashing into my home. She bashed me with her scepter and sucked up my wizard. I want her license revoked!”

  I glanced down at the gargoyle. “She’s not a witch. She’s a reaper. Did Natasha really do all that damage?”

  Unfurling his wings, he rose level with Natasha’s face. She reeled backward as his wings swung toward her.

  “Except for my ear, it’s all on her! And I know what she is. A shrew!”

  He dropped back to the floor and spun around to face me. His tail snapped toward Walter, causing him to leap out of the way.

  “She attacked me. Stanley and I were having an important discussion when she broke in and sucked him up. No ‘Please,’ no ‘Excuse me,’ just attack, suck and leave.” His lower lip quivered. “Now I’m stuck. I’ll end up in limbo. I need to find somewhere to live, a reason to live. How am I gonna get another job looking like this? I’m permanently disabled! Do you think I can sue her? A few million and I could retire in the tropics.” The glimmer of a smile crept onto his face.

  “Whoa, take a breath.” I stepped back and glanced at Walter. “Which way was he heading? Is there going to be trouble?”

  “I am not in trouble,” Natasha said, still sneering. “As soon as I walked in the room, he turned to me and said yes.”

  “That’s up for debate,” Walter interrupted. “This isn’t the first complaint regarding your behavior Natasha. For now, please just leave.”

  The gargoyle whipped his tail around again, narrowly missing me this time. “There’s no debate, the yes was a question, as in ‘Yes, what do you want?’ Not a ‘Yes, I’ll go.’”

  His body started to pulse, his skin turning an interesting combination of blue, red and orange.

  “Calm down. You look like you’re going to explode,” I said, backing away. I was beginning to think I should leave—he looked dangerous. “Natasha, why don’t you just say…”

  Natasha interrupted me as she slammed her way out the door. “I don’t have to listen to any more of this. I’m leaving.”

  Jewel, who had remained silent up to this point, strode over to the gargoyle and handed him a piece of paper. “Well that was fun. Here’s the lawyer’s name you asked for.”

  I handed Walter my scepter, we looked at each other and shook our heads. “Is there always this much excitement around here?” I asked.

  “Only when Natasha and Lars are around,” he said with clenched teeth. “Those two cause me more problems than…”

  “I don’t think I’ve met Lars. Didn’t you say he lost some souls?”

  “Yeah. You haven’t missed much. He makes Natasha seem like a saint—at least she’s an easy problem to solve. It’s bad enough Lars lost four souls this week, but he had to go and blame it on the scrolls. And he actually thought I’d believe him.”

  “How could the scrolls have anything to do with it?”

  “He claimed that the times changed. It’s more likely he had a hangover.”

  “But to blame the scrolls, that takes some nerve,” I replied. Lars might as well have accused Death himself. “So you think the rogue who ran into me was chasing Lars’ souls?”

  “Probably. We don’t usually have a rogue problem, but lately…well. Anyway, I was speaking to your uncle earlier.”

  “What did he want?” I sighed—Uncle Iggy was probably checking up on me again.

  “He asked if we needed you to stay longer—something about statements and bills piling up.”

  “I don’t suppose you said yes, did you? Given the choice, I’d rather stay here.” I knew my uncle meant well, but reaching out across the continent in an attempt to control me was pushing things too far.

  “The job’s yours, whenever you want to come back. Your uncle wouldn’t be very happy with us though.” Walter grinned and waved as he strolled back to his office. “It was nice working with you Zoey. Have a good trip home.”

  The gargoyle looked up at me and asked. “What happened to you? Did you piss off your hairdresser?”

  “Not you too. Why all the interest in my hair? By the way, what’s your name?”

  “Basil,” he said with a grin that reached up to his eyes.

  “Well, nice to meet you Basil, I’m Zoey. I’d better go. I have to pack, so…”

  “Where you goin’? On vacation?”

  “No. Like Walter said, I’m going home. I’ve just been filling in for a friend. He comes back tomorrow.”

  “Where do you live? Bet you have a nice big house,” Basil’s grin turned sly.

  “Out east, Silver Falls—it’s a long trip. My sister and I share a house, It’s not big.” I was wary. Maybe he was just being friendly, but his interest was making me suspicious.

  “I like the east coast, not as many trees. I keep getting covered in sap.”

  “You hang out in trees? Why?”

  “I don’t hang out in trees. Why would you think that? Tree sap gets
stuck on everything. Cars, roofs, sidewalks and me.”

  “Never mind. I have to go,” I said as I headed to the bathroom to double check for any remaining bits of fish.

  Basil was still in the foyer when I returned. He was staring at the remains of his horn, sniffing and wiping his eyes.

  “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

  “I’m injured and lost my home. I’m entitled to feel sorry for myself.”

  “Why can’t you stay at your friend’s house? That’s where you live, isn’t it? His family won’t have been notified yet.”

  “That greedy bunch? They arrived an hour after Stanley died and started rummaging through his stuff. It’s almost like they knew when and where he was gonna die. They kicked me out and told me not to come back. So I followed Nasty, and lucky me, I ran into you.”

  “That was mean of them. Wait. What do you mean it’s lucky you ran into me?”

  “Well, I’m gonna to live with you. I can help, we can be partners. I’m not just any old gargoyle.”

  What? He had a nerve, talk about pushy—Annie would love him. “You can’t just invite yourself into my life. I don’t need help or a partner. I do fine on my own!”

  “Stop complaining. It won’t do you any good and you’ll get wrinkles. Come on, let’s go.” Basil seemed full of confidence as he led the way to my car.

  I was starting to sound like Sam from this morning. What just happened? An hour ago I was looking forward to my final evening in Oregon by myself, and all of a sudden I had a gargoyle tagging along. It didn’t look like I had much choice though, he was already sitting in my car. I’d have to do some quick thinking if I wanted to get rid of him. He’d just have to find someone else to mooch off.

  Chapter 3

  I’d spent the better part of the evening in the bedroom packing, but truth be told, I was hiding. Dealing with Basil was like dealing with a five-year-old child—not that I’d had any experience with children—he’d been on the edge of a temper tantrum when I retreated to the bedroom. I had hoped that if I ignored him long enough he’d give up and leave on his own, but hunger finally drove me into the kitchen. Basil was perched on the edge of a planter in the living room, slowly pinching the leaves off a plant and tossing them on the floor.

  “Stop that. You’ll kill the plant,” I demanded.

  Basil was quieter now, but he was still sulking. He looked up at me and asked, “What do you care?”

  I couldn’t help but give him a sympathetic smile; I’d always felt sorry for strays. “I don’t think killing a plant is going to solve anything.”

  “You’re leaving me. I don’t have a home and you do,” he said with a quivering lip.

  “Why are you trying to make me feel guilty? It’s not my fault.”

  “I don’t have anywhere to go,” Basil whined. “And it’s not my fault either.”

  “Don’t you need a witch or warlock or something? I’m not a witch. I don’t have one drop of witch blood. There must be an office that oversees familiars. Won’t they assign you to a new witch?”

  “I’m not a familiar. Why would you think that? Besides, familiars are animals. Do I look like an animal to you?” Basil picked up his broken horn and waved it at me.

  “Sorry, I just assumed that’s what you were. Why were you with a warlock then?”

  “He was a wizard, not a warlock. Stanley needed help—he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the pack. I was his bodyguard and friend. How was I supposed to know he’d have a heart attack and die on me? I need somewhere to stay, just till I sort myself out. Besides, I’m injured. Are you really gonna leave me?” His frown slowly changed into a thoughtful expression.

  “I don’t have time to look after you. I’m rarely home. I’m not anti-social, but my house is already full. My sister and housekeeper are all the company I need.”

  “I don’t need looking after.” Basil looked down, swinging his legs back and forth. “Maybe I’ll find a tall building and throw myself off it.”

  “You’ve got wings. You won’t die. Besides, do you really want Nasty to suck up your soul?”

  “Didn’t think of that. But you could do it,” he said with a grin.

  “Actually, we don’t pick who we collect. We’re assigned lists, no favoritism.”

  “You’d hardly know I was there.”

  “Was where?”

  “You’re just trying to be difficult now, aren’t you?”

  “Look, my house is already full, there’s no room and how am I supposed to explain a gargoyle? I don’t need a pet—or a guest for that matter. And like I said, I’m rarely home.”

  “You’re repeating yourself, and I’m not a pet. Just for a while…pretty please? I can cook,” Basil implored as he looked up at me with puppy dog eyes.

  “I have a housekeeper already and she cooks. Besides, how am I supposed to get you home? I’m flying.”

  “I can fly.”

  “It’s over three thousand miles, and besides, you don’t know where I live.”

  “Then I’ll go on the plane with you. Are you goin’ business or first? First has the best food, don’t they?”

  “Economy, and you’d have to go as baggage.” Crap, he’d tricked me.

  “I’m a shifter? Do you like parrots? I could be a Macaw, that was Stanley’s favorite.” Basil became glassy-eyed as he remembered his old friend. “We could talk to each other in public and nobody noticed. Stanley and I went everywhere together.”

  My jaw dropped and my voice rose in pitch. “A gargoyle shifter—really? Can you shift into a human?” I’d heard of them, but never seen one, let alone met one.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You have to be at least part human to appear as one, and I’m not. I can change into any animal or bird you want, even a fish. Comes in handy, if I need to swim.”

  “Aren’t birds animals?” I thought fish were too, but I wasn’t sure about that.

  “Don’t care, and I’m not goin’ in no hold. I’d freeze and there wouldn’t be anyone to talk to. I know! I’ll be a cat, then you can take me as carry-on. How’s this?” Basil asked as he shifted into a calico cat.

  “Cute, but I’m allergic to cats…and dogs for that matter. So no shifting to a dog either. Can you cloak yourself?”

  “I know I’m cute,” Basil said as he swished his tail and rubbed up against my legs. “What do you mean cloak myself?”

  “You know, be invisible. Like Harry Potter, but without the Cloak of Invisibility.”

  “No, I can’t.” Basil sat back on his haunches, sighed and rolled his eyes.

  “I can.” My grin turned into a smirk as I snapped my fingers and disappeared.

  “Cute trick. Do you flicker if you snap your fingers really fast?”

  “Haha, very funny,” I quipped as I became visible again.

  “So, no one can see you when you cloak?”

  “Almost. I can’t hide from another reaper. Why do you want to know?”

  “No reason. I know: a poodle, no allergies. You can put me in a bag. Problem solved. Now, what’s for dinner?”

  Morning dawned with the sun shining in a bright blue sky and not a cloud in sight.

  “Doesn’t that just figure,” I grumbled, peeking out from under the covers. “I leave and the sun comes out.”

  Basil seemed to appear from nowhere, standing at the foot of my bed. “I checked your weather app,” he said, “and it’s sunny in Silver Falls too. So stop whining. We have to go and get me a travel carrier. Get dressed, I’ve made us breakfast. Time’s a-wasting,” he ordered. He’d made a huge English breakfast: bacon, eggs, tomatoes and fried bread. From the look of the kitchen, I’d be doing a lot of dishes went we got back.

  “You’re going to kill me with all this cholesterol,” I said as I stuffed my face. “I’ll die happy though.”

  The local pet store had an overwhelming selection of pet carriers—hundreds of them—in all shapes, sizes and colors. “This one is the right size, but the air holes are too small,” Basil said
. After an hour of looking, he still couldn’t decide.

  “Keep it down. Dogs aren’t supposed to talk,” I whispered as a saleswoman closed in on us.

  “What a cute little guy. Are you going on a trip?” she inquired.

  “We’re flying today and I need a carry-on bag for Basil,” I said.

  “Oh, what a lucky boy you are to have a mommy who takes you on a plane,” simpered the woman as she tried to tickle Basil’s tummy. He responded with a convincing growl and snapped at her, causing her to snatch her hand back.

  Mortified, I apologized. “Sorry about that. He doesn’t like to be tickled, it reminds him of the vet.”

  “That’s okay. I should have known better, but he’s just so cute. I couldn’t resist.” She handed me a neon purple travel bag with plenty of meshing. “Here, this one should be just right for him.”

  “What do you think, Basil?” I picked him up to show him the bag. “Do you want to test it?” He responded by huffing and squirming, so I dumped him into the bag. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  Greg, the reaper I was filling in for, was home from vacation by the time we returned. He had a dishcloth over his shoulder when he met us at the door.

  “I see you’re all packed and ready to go. And you have a new friend.”

  I gave him a hug. “You’re home early. Greg, meet Basil. He had a run in with Natasha and I seem to have inherited him. Sorry about all the dirty dishes, I meant to clean up before you got back.”

  “That’s okay. John and I made quick work of them.”

  “Nice to meet you, Greg,” Basil said as he reached for Greg’s hand and startled him as he shifted back to his normal form.

  “Cripes, you’re a gargoyle.”

  “Observant, isn’t he?” Basil looked at me, rolling his eyes.

  “So, how was your vacation?” I inquired. “Was it warm and sunny?”

  “Ninety degrees and sunny. It was the best vacation ever.” Greg grinned and waved his left hand at me. “We’re engaged!”

  “Wow, that’s some rock. Congratulations! When’s the wedding?”